i recipes
Me, being a man of many skills and virtues (some of these virtues are
cowardice, greed, vanity, and being plain and simple an ugly mother
fucker), one of these great talents not many know i have is cooking.
Many preface anything and everything that even slightly mentions a
recipe, with the overused quote "cooking is fun and easy". Well
let me break something to all those who believed, cooking is fucking
difficult and boring. It basically sucks, when you're hungry you
wanna eat, and thats the plain truth. The only times one can
enjoy cooking is when they have injected enough mountain dew into their
veins (i'm talkin twink amounts) to be inspired by the grand spirit of
"straight constructions". If this spirit enters you, you should
start getting busy, this is a rare occurrence, you should take
advantage. Here are some recipes you can use while
possessed. Make note: that cooking is best done improvised, so
there will be no list of ingredients given, one should mix and match
and be creative, i will simply list instruction, which one should also
add, remove, interchange the order of.
Slime factor - The law that the
more slime in food, the better the food tastes.
I learned this from a
Garfield cartoon, Garfield did a brilliant thought experiement, which
you may want to test for yourself, i dont, i am just convinced.
Basically food that is good
for you, sucks and tastes gross. Food that is bad for you, is
dope and
tastes good. To find out whether a food will taste dope, you
should
sit on it. Thats right SIT ON THE FOOD! If you sit on it
and it makes a mess, it probably tastes
dope and is bad for your health. If you sit on a food and it
makes a very
small mess, it is probably healthy and it tastes like shit. For
example, a
chocolate cake is very unhealthy but it tastes real good. Sit on
it,
your gonna be cleaning chocolate out of your ass for days. A
salad is
very healthy but it tastes like shit. Sit on it, you can easily
pick salad particles off your butt. Now throw some thick
unhealthy ranch
dressing on this salad to make it alittle more enjoyable and sit
on it, now you got some grossness on your butt. This rule holds
for
most things..
Poutine a la Idris
This poutine recipe is vegetarian, you might want to find vegan cheese or gravy to make it right for you.
1) Fill a deep frier or a large deep pan with vegetable oil, use
as much oil as possible, this increases slime factor. Heat it
up.
2) Place fries in pan, let them cook to a brown, pick them out of the pan or frier, in order not to lose any oil.
3) Immediatley salt with both regular salt and large grain kosher
salt (the kind on pretzels). This must be done with speed because
the
hot oil on the fries allows the salt to
stick to them better. You must salt to taste, kinda use as much
as McDonalds would.
4) Splash a little vinegar on the fries, this is the only thing
that should be used in small amounts. Your American taste buds
will not
be happy with too much vinegar on fries.
5) Microwave cheese wizz till it is a thick liquid and dump on
fries. Use as much as possible, the slime factor is applied
here.
6) Now also have microwaved vegetarian gravy, make sure its
vegetarian, and dump as much as possible on fries. Slime factor
again.
You can make your own vegan gravy or buy mushroom gravy.
7) Now you can either dump ketchup on the fries or place ketchup
in its own seperate bowl. Either is good, just dump a lot.
Slime
Factor again in full effect.
ENJOY!
Macaroni a la Idris
1) Put some water in a pot and heat it up.
2) Insert macaroni. I use generic brand macaroni and cheese
that is a ass fake Kraft. I think Anne's makes a
vegan fake ass Kraft .
Generic, Anne's, or Kraft will do the
trick. You're generic brand may have a doper name tho.
3) Boil all the water with macaroni in it till there is no water left.
4) Now here the fun begins. You wanna dump mad vegetable
oil and butter and milk on it. You can use smart balance
margarine and
plain soy milk for the vegan option.
This is where the slime factor starts to comes into play.
5) Now throw cheese packets in it. You may wanna use cheese wizz to make more cheese. Slime factor again.
6) Cook up some vegetarian italian sausages or a soy dogs, cut it up into peices and put it in the macaroni.
7) Start stirring, while stirring, dump ketchup, barbecue sauce and hot sauce in it.
8) Make sure contents are stirred well.
ENJOY!
Stew
1) Throw some water in a pot and start heating it up.
2) Throw in the noodles of three ramen packages.
4) Throw in two cans of some sort of beans (i dig black eyed peas).
5) Throw in two cans of vegetables. Any vegetable will be ok.
6) Throw in oill or butter or margarine for flavor. Use a good amount, but stew is naturally slimey so its hard to
really monitor the slime factor.
7) When the noodles are soft throw in the flavor packets, there
is difficulty in figuring out what flavor is right for you.
First of all never buy ramen from a
health food store or a store that has a big vegan or vegetarian
consumer base.
These stores will rip you the fuck off. Ramen
by nature should be cheap as fuck, anything else is wak.
Mushroom flavored ramen is vegetarian but contains milk. You can find two
kinds of oriental flavored ramen, the
one with shrimp place a bomb in and leave in the store, to murder some
carnivore
there is another one that is straight
vegan. Always read the labels when buy ramen you can be easily
tricked.
8) Put some pepper and hot sauce in the strew and stir.
9) Then put whatever leftovers you can find from someone who often cooks and place them in the pot. Stir some more.
ENJOY!
Tofu Sam-iches
1) This aint a sandwich but a sam-ich, this will guide you on
your cooking adventure. This is recipe that requires the most
time and effort the spirit of constructions must have a very tight hold on you,.
2) Cut tofu in to strips. Put the tofu in a bowl submerged
in a barbecue sauce and hot sauce. Place in freezer
overnight.
This makes them dope and chewy.
3) Wake up and allow them to thaw, thawing means putting those mothafuckahz in a microwave.
4) Put some eggs or egg substitute in a seperate bowl and stir it up with some sauce.
3) Drop the strips of tofu in the egg and shake red pepper on them and then bread with matza crumbs.
4) Drop in a deep fry or in a pan where they can be submerged in a vegetable oil all the while salting and red peppering
the tofu.
5) Throw on bread with some lettuce and tomatoes, red onions.
7) Most important slime factor now is to drench in mayonaise, vegan mayonaise, or ranch dressing.
8) Throw other slice of bread on top, and dip in outside slime if still it looks too dry.
ENJOY!
Now for beverage recipes.... slime factor doesnt apply here just
sweetness, sugar should be dumped instead of slime into these
recipes.
Banana Soy Energy Drink
1)
There is no conclusive evidence to prove that one needs B12.
Although, it is a fact that herbivores lack it because it is found
in meat. So maybe you want some,
it might get you amped. Taking pills suck so this is a good way
to get some in you.
2) Get a B12 pill and beat it with a hammer so fine that you could snort it like coke.
3) Put some vanilla soy milk in a blender, the real sweet kind that comes in a jug is good or silk very vanilla flavor.
4) Put your B12 powder in the blender.
5) Cut a banana into peices and put in the blender.
6) Pour some vanilla flavoring in the blender.
7) Put mad sugar in the blender.
9) Blend till its straight for you.
ENJOY!
Hot Cherry Drink
1) I got this idea from my man Noel while playing chess in the
rain. This can warm you up like tea or coffee, but is a treat you
cant
find anywhere. You gotta freak the mixture alittle more to get you amped like coffee.
2) Make cherry kool-aid or a generic brand (there is a dope
one that has a monkey on the label) in a bowl as large as possible that
can
still fit in your microwave. Remember to throw mad sugar in it.
4) Take a caffeine pill and beat it with a hammer till it is a fine powder that you could snort like cocaine.
5) Heat the drink up in a microwave.
6) Put the powder in.
7) Heat some more.
ENJOY!
Lastly, all meals should be followed with a cigarette. If there
is someone you wanna impress and get close too, you should smoke a
Newport. The menthol flavor will make your breath smell
fresh.
Current Mood: not to cookCurrent Music: stevie wonder 
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
idrisintifada's journal
bored
